Why me? Because...

I am prompted by this post by Julana at Life In The Slow Lane, which linked to this post by Valerie Wolff, a contributor at Christian Women Online, to share our struggle with the ever popular "why me?" question.

When I was pregnant with Evan, everything went smoothly. I felt great & there were no signs of any problems. I was 30 years old so my doctor did ask if I wanted a genetic screening done. I told her no, mainly because my thinking was that I would not choose to end the pregnancy so why get tested? It never occurred to me that anything would happen.

However, one afternoon as I was sitting on the couch reading "The Motherly Art Of Breastfeeding" I came across the section on nursing babies with special needs. Very clearly I heard a voice say, "What would you do if your baby has Down Syndrome?" I shook my head, thinking "that's odd" & kept reading. Again, the voice repeated the question, "What would you do?" A bit shaken, I thought to myself, "Well, we would adjust." I got up & started cleaning house, trying to put the thought/voice out of my mind.

Fast forward 2 months later. Evan was born. My wonderful doctor, Dr. Luff, sadly broke the news to Harold that Evan had Down's. (He was the first baby she had delivered with Down's.) Stunned, my wonderful husband told the staff not to tell me. My labor had been long, difficult & ended in a C-section because Evan's heart rate had dropped. It was late & Harold decided to tell me himself in the morning. He & Dr. Luff broke the news to me. I was in denial. My baby looked fine to me. I was sure there was a mistake. I would wait for the blood test results.

Later that evening, I lay in my hospital bed in a private room arranged for by my doctor, God bless her! Harold was at home. I didn't know what else to do but pray & sing songs of worship, hoping that would sooth my soul. As I asked God why this had happened, he directed me to John 9:1-3. As he went along, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

Would I, could I, dare to believe that God would get glory out of what appeared to be a tragic situation? Did that even make sense to me? And what about the friends who had come to my room that day telling me that I couldn't "accept" this diagnosis but had to put my faith to work so that Evan would be healed?

So many questions but even as I lay in that bed, my husband was home praying and listening as God directed him to the exact same portion of scripture. So we did put our faith to work, not for things to be made perfect in our eyes, but for God to show himself through a small baby, just as he had 2000 years before. Now, 18 years later, I can't even count the times when God's work has been displayed in Evan's life because they are so numerous.

Sickness & disease happens because at the beginning of time, Adam & Eve chose their will over God's will and sin entered the world, corrupting everything that had been perfect. Then God sent his son, Jesus, to live here on earth, bringing us the good news that through his death on the cross, we could have eternal life and hope.

Do I believe that God heals? Yes, absolutely, I have seen miracles with my own eyes. Could he heal Evan's body & change his chromosomes? Absolutely. Would I love God or Evan anymore if that were that case? Not at all. My love for God is not based on temporal, earthly situations. I love him because he is the Creator of All, The Beginning and the End, my King and my Lord, my Deliverer and Strong Tower. I love him because he has loved me before the beginning of the world & because "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Rom. 8:28) even in situations we don't understand.

Comments

[Jenna]

Wow. That is amazing story, and and even more amazing reminder of how good God is. That even through situations this world claims are hard, God works, and loves us so much to help us work it out. It gave me goosebumps! Not only are you blessed to have Evan as a son, he is very blessed to have you as his mom!

Peace!

[Molly]

Excellent essay. Excellent example of the grace of God lived out.

[Eleanor]

This is an awesome post, Lori. The presence of God is on it.

[Lori]

Thanks Jenna, Molly & Eleanor. I have some more thoughts on this subject that I will probably post next week.

[Julana]

Lori,
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I'll have to try to think back and break those early days into some manageable pieces.
The important part is the unconditional love part. I think that is a big lesson that comes along with a disability.

[Ellen]

Thank you for posting this - my heart is in working with "special" kids - and they are, aren't they?