Next Saturday the students that Evan graduated from high school with will be graduating from college. We will watch them walk across the stage, holler and clap like crazy for them. Having watched them conquer the mountain that is a college degree I am very proud of who they have become. They are great young adults!
Here’s the secret thing that parents of intellectually handicapped kids don’t talk about: the knife that goes through our hearts knowing that our kids won’t make that march across the stage. It is not a knife of jealousy as we learn early on that is a fruitless emotion. It’s just pure parental pain of once more letting go of the dream you had for your baby before he was even born.
It is a very well documented fact that parents of special needs children go through the grieving process several times during their lives and I can testify that is true. Each milestone that other kids race past without even thinking about it, is one that my kid may or may not reach.
In talking about this I am not looking for sympathy or a pat on the back. (Although loads of dark chocolate would help!) I just think that sometimes we keep too much of this grief bottled up inside which is so not healthy. Moving past that stab of if-only pain won’t take long but this is a huge owie for me.
Of course, I count our blessings, always. Four years ago this month, Ev was in a body cast and about to face a fight for his life so obviously I’m grateful he’s alive. He is at a happy place in his life. He loves his job & many friends. Yet it seems that at these junctures of life he knows that things aren’t quite what they are for his normally abled friends.
Life will settle back into its comforting routine next week. I will remember that my son walks across a stage not seen with human eyes. One day I’ll see him get a reward for finishing the school that has been his life. And on that day I won’t even remember this week & its pain. I can’t wait!