The Road Not Chosen

The Walk

Next Saturday the students that Evan graduated from high school with will be graduating from college. We will watch them walk across the stage, holler and clap like crazy for them. Having watched them conquer the mountain that is a college degree I am very proud of who they have become. They are great young adults!

Here’s the secret thing that parents of intellectually handicapped kids don’t talk about: the knife that goes through our hearts knowing that our kids won’t make that march across the stage. It is not a knife of jealousy as we learn early on that is a fruitless emotion. It’s just pure parental pain of once more letting go of the dream you had for your baby before he was even born.

It is a very well documented fact that parents of special needs children go through the grieving process several times during their lives and I can testify that is true. Each milestone that other kids race past without even thinking about it, is one that my kid may or may not reach.

In talking about this I am not looking for sympathy or a pat on the back. (Although loads of dark chocolate would help!) I just think that sometimes we keep too much of this grief bottled up inside which is so not healthy.  Moving past that stab of if-only pain won’t take long but this is a huge owie for me.

Of course, I count our blessings, always. Four years ago this month, Ev was in a body cast and about to face a fight for his life so obviously I’m grateful he’s alive. He is at a happy place in his life. He loves his job & many friends. Yet it seems that at these junctures of life he knows that things aren’t quite what they are for his normally abled friends.

Life will settle back into its comforting routine next week. I will remember that my son walks across a stage not seen with human eyes. One day I’ll see him get a reward for finishing the school that has been his life. And on that day I won’t even remember this week & its pain. I can’t wait!

 

Choose The Battles

Some in Christendom were very upset last weekend because President Obama didn’t issue some kind of formal acknowledgement of Easter and its importance to Christians.  He issued proclamations for several other religious holidays when they came around, so some in our group felt there was evil intent on his part.

Really, Christians? We’re going to get upset at that?! I mean there are a LOT of other things to get our dander up about. How about 2 1/2 wars with no end in sight? What about his waffling on almost any issue you can think of? I can pick any number of things to be ticked off at the President about but not issuing an Easter proclamation is not one of them.

Why? It is my opinion Christians would be better off acting on the mandate that Christ died & rose for. If we put as much effort into making disciples, really making disciples, as we put into griping about Mr. Obama we wouldn’t need a proclamation. We would be a living proclamation! No one would need reminding about what Easter means because a Christian they know has already told them the Good News and lived it out in front of them.

Let us resolve to put our priorities where they need to be: actively living the Gospel. Does this mean not to be politically aware & involved? Of course not. It just means pick the political battles to fight. Fighting for a bunch of words in a press release that no one will remember the next day is not the best use of our collective energy.

 

Then the eleven disciples left for Galilee, going to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. When they saw him, they worshiped him—but some of them doubted!

Jesus came and told his disciples, “I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:16-20 (NLT)

Gain Wisdom

Reading Facebook this week, I noticed that several young adults I know are about to graduate from the college of their choice. Some have gone to college right out of high school. Some have married & had a kid or two and then went on to get their degree. Either way I am thrilled to see this!

In a land not so far away, in a time that seems (thankfully) long ago, in a church that was confused, higher learning was looked down upon. The thought was that one would become contaminated with an ungodly point of view. Much better to spend one’s time working in the church, going to a Bible college and then do something religiously oriented.  As a result of this, several years worth of high school graduates did not go to college, floundering in minimum wage jobs, without much direction for their lives really. 

Fortunately, God did not let that perspective stay & purged it out of the church.  The result is several nurses, teachers, musicians, IT specialists, etc. who did not just obtained a degree but did it with excellence, most graduating with honors. None of them absorbed a worldly perspective. They maintained, through many challenges, their allegiance to the King of Kings.  The church was much better as it gained young people full of wisdom as well as skill. And much rejoicing was heard throughout the land!

 

Proverbs 2 (NIV)

¹My son, if you accept my words
   and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
   and applying your heart to understanding—
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
   and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
   and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the LORD
   and find the knowledge of God.
⁶ For the LORD gives wisdom;
   from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.
⁷ He holds success in store for the upright,
   he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
⁸ for he guards the course of the just
   and protects the way of his faithful ones.

⁹ Then you will understand what is right and just
   and fair—every good path.
¹⁰ For wisdom will enter your heart,
   and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
¹¹ Discretion will protect you,
   and understanding will guard you.

¹² Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men,
   from men whose words are perverse,
¹³ who have left the straight paths
   to walk in dark ways,
¹⁴ who delight in doing wrong
   and rejoice in the perverseness of evil,
¹⁵ whose paths are crooked
   and who are devious in their ways.

The Eyes Have It (Or Not)

I’m having problems with my eyes today. They take turns being out of focus, First the left, and when it gets tired, the right. This is one of my most frustrating fibro symptoms. I spend my days reading, which gets a little rough if your eyes are not behaving.

None the less, I just finished C.S. Lewis’s Till We Have Faces: A Myth Retold which I loved. It was kind of like Narnia for adults. There are three princesses, one very ugly, one very beautiful &  one kind of so-so. It’s described as a tale of ”love, faith, and transformation (both good and ill)”.  It was so captivating that I was transported to that world while reading.  It gave me a lot of food for thought on how we view love as opposed to how God views love. Also, Lewis based this on the Greek story of Cupid & Psyche so I found his reworking very interesting.

Now I’m on to a memoir, In the Sanctuary of Outcasts by Neil White. Mr. White was a successful publisher who was convicted of bank fraud & check kiting. He was sentenced to one year in prison at Carville, Louisiana. The minimum security prison was home to prisoners of course, but also to victims of leprosy. In other words, it was the last leper colony in America. Mr. White had a lot to learn there & I am really enjoying his journey. If you are considering this book, please be forewarned that there is some rough language. (It does take place in a prison after all.)

The weather here has been so lovely the last few days that I’m encouraging everyone to grab a book & go sit outside and get lost in the words!

The Little Engine That Could

Did you ever read the story of  The Little Engine That Could? As he struggles to pull his train up the hill he chants, “I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!” Sure enough, he pulls his load over the hill. Hooray for the Little Engine!

I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the Little Engine. Every time there is a hill in front of me, which happens a lot, I chant the “I think I can” mantra and up I go. I come from a long line of “suck it up and get it done!” people. I’ve lived this way for as long as I can remember.

Sometimes I ask my Heavenly Father for help, but I don’t always ask if I should be chugging up the hill in the first place.  If there is something to be done or a responsibility that is assigned to me, off I go. Yet lately I’ve been reconsidering my approach.

For instance, this year from January through March I was insanely overloaded. As a bookkeeper January & February are the busiest time of year for me. Lots of year end duties to do and our annual financial presentation to put together for the church I’m a part of.

I also teach 2 High School Language Arts classes. This school year we were short a teacher so I volunteered to teach 2 classes instead of my normal one. I was challenged  by the extra load but it had been going okay. In the 3rd quarter, which started in January, I found myself teaching a third class! Yes, during the most stressful part of my work year. That's just how I roll!

It never occurred to me to tell the principal that I just couldn’t take on that third class.  She would have found someone else to cover it. She is a wonderfully caring person so she would never have thought bad of me for asking to get out of that class.

As a result of my drive to climb that hill, the fibromyalgia I live with flared out of control. My pain level rocketed, my emotions were crazy, I was exhausted in that weird way that mostly only new moms & fibro sufferers go through. On one of the fibro support forums I frequent I mentioned something about my pain levels being unusually high. One of the ladies asked me if my stress level was up. For the first time since January 1st I realized was overloaded. (Duh!) Of course by this time it was the end of February and 3rd quarter would finish in a couple of weeks. I did, however, go to the principal to be excused from the 4th quarter extra class. Another teacher volunteered to take it, God bless them!

I am re-learning how to approach my life, how much I take on, how often I pray to find out if I should do this or not. Yeah, all that common sense stuff. It’s hard lessons to learn but to  be healthy spiritually and physically I must change. I am working on cutting myself some slack. If I’m exhausted when I come home from work I go take a nap before dinner. I’m working a little bit shorter day. I’ve found a new energy drink formatted to help supplement the vitamins that those with fibro lack. (It is helping a lot!) Most importantly, while my posts here have been sparse, I am journaling almost every night before I go to bed. It’s a huge help & I look forward to it.

Are you taking on hills that you should be avoiding? Or maybe you’re avoiding hills you should be taking on. Either way, remember to thoughtfully consider each area of your life. Seek counsel from God. Don’t try to do it all. Realize it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to say no.

Holy Days

Did you know today is the first day of Lent? What is Lent you may ask? It is the season that marks the 40 days that lead up to Easter. It’s a time to exam our lives to see if we are really living the way God wants us to. Sometimes people give up certain things that they really like to eat or really like to do as a way of reminding themselves to focus on heavenly things and not earthly things. 

I went to a Lutheran grade school from kindergarten through eighth grade so the Holy Days were something we were taught and observed in school. (My parents were not Christians at the time, didn’t even go to church but I’m glad that they sent me to a school that gave me a foundation that was Christ focused.) Out of all the Holy Days we observed I always liked Advent, the days of preparation for Christ’s birth. The Lutheran’s actually invented Advent in the early 1900s.

During Advent we had little calendars in the classrooms that had a little door covering each day. Behind the door was some kind of wonderful item. Everyone fought over who would get to open the door, so all the teachers had to make a door-opener schedule but if a kid was absent watch out! Fists would fly. I think we missed the point of Advent.  

Lent on the other hand made me feel guilty. At that time I didn’t really see God as a loving Father, but rather a stern taskmaster. Being a Type A personality probably didn’t help my view either. Such pressure I put on myself to “be good”! Lent was always just another reminder of how short of the mark I fell. There was always a tremendous sense of relief when Easter finally came. Whew! I made it through Lent and now Jesus is risen and it’s all good!  

When I finally became a Christian at the age of 23, the thought of Holy Days was far behind me. I attended a Charismatic church that had no concept of such things outside of Easter and Christmas. It wasn’t until about ten years ago that I started remembering the different types of celebrations and days of observance. I’ve pondered those Holy Days a lot, wondering if and where they fit into my life and theology. I purchased the Oxford Book of Prayer which contains prayers from the Bible, from various saints/Christians, as well as prayers from different parts of the world. There is a nice chronology to it that I find helpful, little reminders to slow down and live an intentional life, measuring each day as it comes, not rushing blindly through one and then another.  

Relevant Magazine has a great article on Lent which I encourage you to read.  During this season I plan on taking stock of my life to see where I need improvement, not so I can feel guilty about my shortcomings like I used to, but so I can feel even more grateful that Daddy God sent His only Son to die & be ressurected for me so that I may live with Him forever.

 

Random Acts of Cleaning

At our house today we find ourselves doing random acts of cleaning. This is not to be confused with deliberate acts. Deliberate acts of cleaning are the weekly chores: laundry, vacuuming, dusting, etc. Random acts can happen at any moment (hence “random”. Duh.) For instance, our dryer has been bugging me for months. It takes longer to dry. In the slot where the lint trap resides, there are chunks of lint that are always just beyond my reach, even though I cleverly use chopsticks to dig down into that slim spot.

This morning, egged on by cabin fever perhaps (see picture below), seemed like a good time to have Harold pull out the dryer, check the vent hose & take the front casing off so I could get to those chunks of lint. I have the most patient and persistent husband in the world. He refuses to be conquered by machines. It took some maneuvering in the tiny space that is our laundry room and some Googling to find the manual but finally everything is cleaned out and I am contentedly drying clothes as I write this.

While we were doing all this (I participated by handing tools to my handsome repairman) it dawned on me that there are random acts of cleaning in my spiritual life also. On a regular basis I repent of my obvious sins, try to root out the little foxes of pride, envy, gluttony, and their other fiendish friends. Those are my deliberate acts of spiritual cleaning.

Out of the blue, however, the Holy Spirit will nudge me and say “Don’t you think today would be a good time to get rid of that stubborn stain of anger you have against so-and-so?" or “How about getting a shovel and digging a bit deeper into this passage of Scripture and finding out what I have to say to you about it?”

Usually I am caught a bit off guard in these moments. It’s like today when I looked straight up in the laundry room and saw dust webs covering the lovely cottage cheese ceiling.  I hadn’t noticed they were there because I rarely look at the ceiling.  Of course I dug out the vacuum and got rid of them, which made me feel a whole lot better even though 20 minutes prior I didn’t really know the dust was there.

Has the Holy Spirit been taking you through random acts of cleaning? Be sure to listen this week and find out what might need to be taken care of. There is nothing like a wonderfully clean house!

A Time To Plant

Today was a day of sending, planting, joy and sorrow. Our church sent the Dunn family off to Bread of Life Church in Fresno, California. They will help strengthen that small church as it grows and impacts its city. The game plan for now is that the Dunn’s will come back in a year. But we’re not banking on that. God has a way of changing our plans.

As we prayed over them at the end of the service today I though back to the times that Harold & I have been sent out to various places. The first time was in 1986. Our church in Compton, CA sent us off to New Covenant Bible College in St. Louis, MO. I had lived in California all of my 27 years. Harold’s family lived in St. Louis and for him it was a homecoming. For me it was mostly immensely painful but also extremely exciting. The day we were sent off my pastor’s wife told me, “The cloud of God is moving. You better go with it or you’ll be left behind.” I went to the most challenging but fulfilling time of my life. (Up to that point anyway!)

Harold & I waited today until everyone had hugged, kissed & said goodbye to Danny & Sarah. We’ve known Danny since he was 18 years old, skinny as a rail, & determined to conquer everything in sight. You could see the call of God on him even then. Sarah is a born & bred Northeast Missourian. We have known her for most of her life. Sarah used to live with us when she was in bible college, They are the people we have chosen to be Evan’s guardians if something happens to us. Their kids call us grandma & grandpa. All  this is to say we are very close.

As Sarah & I hugged and wept together today I told her, “This will be the hardest but most wonderful time of your life. You’ll do great!” The whole clan will do amazing things and I can’t wait to hear the reports and to hug them all again. Fresno, be blessed with our best.

Regressing? You Bet!

It started on a very hectic day right before my Christmas vacation. Piles of papers on my desk, year-end duties looming large, endless laundry, etc., etc.

Needing a way to relax that did not include a computer or mindless T.V. watching, I thought back to high school. There were these giant posters. Everyone worked on them: my friends, parents, cousins. We loved them! They were a lost relic of the ‘70s I was sure.  Then I found this

 

It was exactly what I was looking for! Not as big as my lost relic but small enough to curl up on the couch with. So I started in on it with great joy! I was doing something relaxing, something creative that wasn’t writing. At first Harold thought it was a little…strange. When I bought these

 

he knew I was serious.

Coloring is one of  the last things I do in the evening. After dinner, after grading, after Evan time, I dig my toys out and joyfully regress! Somehow coloring in the marvelously complicated designs helps me unwind and on some level recharge.

What do  you do to unwind?

Outside Observations

I just came in from spending a few moments standing on our deck. The sun, which has hidden for days, is shining, making the snow look like a diamond blanket. The wind gently blew snow from the tree branches. Everything was silent, save for our wind chime tinkling softly.

Being still, looking for squirrels or bunnies who must have been snuggled away in their nests, I didn’t even feel the cold. It’s 19 degrees outside but with the sun beaming down on me it felt warmer.

In winter our house gets very stuffy. Being a Californian I long for open windows & doors so a breeze can blow its freshness through, cleansing the rooms. In this Midwestern state I have to look for opportunities to open a door or window, even just for a few moments, so the staleness is swept away. It was a blessing today to be able to do that.

I came across this prayer for stillness at the Explorefaith website.

Gracious God, I ask you to plant a seed of stillness in my soul. Everything in my life moves ever more quickly, and I am continually expected to fit more things into time that is already brimful with activity. Even when I have moments that require nothing of me, my mind races and I seem unable to locate a switch to turn it off. Give me, each day, the desire and capacity to breathe in the wonder of air, to envision a still lake on a windless dawn, to drop deep into the well of my own being and find there the peace of your presence. I ask this for the sake of your love. Amen.

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